Dakwat : Camca atau togakan

Alkisah Malam ke-7.

2012-01-07T16:41:00.000-08:00

Koinsiden, bila kau akan berhenti kagetkan aku?

Jarum jam, ciliknya engkau memilih waktu!

Aku sentap. Kemudian tersenyum. Engkau menuju kearahku buat kesekian kalinya, memakai senyuman engkau yang aku gilakan itu. Engkau kejam!

Engkau tiba. Rapat. Bauan parfum engkau menggoda, menusuk laluan hidungku. Tangan engkau menyapa tanganku, lantas kau genggam. Lama. Engkau zalim!

Karutan Purnama ke-4.

2012-01-07T00:22:00.000-08:00

Hai.

Bila muka kau boleh hilang dari mimpi, otak dan buku-buku aku?

Ya, engkau, si bow-tie.

Saban malam wajah kau menari-nari depan bola mataku; air mataku jatuh umpama air paip.

Aku dah penat sorokkan mata bengkak ini dari teman-teman. Dari engkau.

Imajinasi, tangga harapan, cukup-cukuplah seksa aku.

Aku tak ingin mati akibat dibunuh skizofrenia.

Ironi.

2012-01-07T00:18:00.000-08:00

And the awesome part is,

I found this on 9Gag.

Terjun gaya bebas kedalam lubuk destruksi; fikir padahnya kemudian!

2012-01-06T12:00:00.000-08:00

Orang kata, berkasih biarlah satu.

Tapi, yang aku kasihi selama ini, makin erratic. Bila aku usulkan tentang perubahan, makin tak stabil emosinya. Alam la-la kami, lencun disimbahi asid pertengakaran konstan. Aku sakit. Aku benci.

Datanglah si bow-tie yang kehadirannya tak kuduga. Aku dia tegur, dengan senyuman femininnya. Kami klik. Tentang awan, tentang Discovery Channel, tentang gurauan sarkastik.

Sering dia menjadi bahan bualan dan usikan bila aku bertemu teman sekelas dia. Kohort kami dalam Akademi berjumlah kurang dari 200 orang; susah untuk mengelak dari jadi bahan bualan. Aku rasa terganggu. Aku tak selesa. Tapi kenapa aku terlupa semua isu itu bila dia berada di depan mata?

Situasi setiap kali kami ketemu, matanya tertumpu tepat padaku. Wajahnya berseri, bibir terukir senyuman mungil. Jantungku menggila; -Pasti kejap lagi tercabut dari soket, fikirku apabila dia datang menuju kearahku.

Tapi, aku bukan pencurang. Aku bukan penipu. Aku beritahu si bow-tie tentang hubungan berasid aku. Dia diam. Tampak kelam. Tapi tak lama, dia kembali seperti biasa; cuma kali ini lebih distant dari aku. Tapi, masih, aku nampak dia normal.

Lantas, aku terjun kedalam alam paranoia. Alam pesimis. Hati kecil jahanam aku bertutur dengan yakin;

*Oh, engkau saja yang merasakan kimia bodoh itu dengan dia. Kalau tidak, mesti dia pinta kepastian dan konfirmasi! Wajah berserinya itu bukan dek ternampak engkau, tetapi memang sempurna sebegitu! Kenapa engkau rasa engkau penyebab senyuman dia? Sedangkan kau tahu dia ramai lagi teman wanita lain? Matanya tepat kearah kau kerana dia rabun, bodoh!*

Dengan itu, aku cuba dayung kembali perahu hubungan lamaku yang telah aku abaikan. Walaupun ramai yang menyuarakan ketidaksetujuan; Kepala aku keras. Diterminasi aku diatas par.

Tapi, apa dayaku mendayung perahu seorang diri? Tidak! Aku kuat. Aku kuat!

Tapi, hati kecilku celaka; tidak membantu. Dia berbisik;

*Acap kali kau lupa-kau perempuan. Kau lemah. Ego jitu kau saja takkan lonjakkan posibiliti sukses engkau!*

Aku tak mahu jadi Firaun. Kerana, bow-tie, aku terlalu sayangkan engkau.

Stalker, anyone?

2011-02-06T08:21:00.000-08:00

When I fall in love, an irrevocable and forceful love truss is formed. Even after almost 3 years this year being in a relationship with him, I cannot stop from being his life-controlling freak, his social-life stalker and that desperate girlfriend trying to impress him every nanosecond.

Edward and I have very much in common.

Setelah sekian lama aku jadi tupai paling fortunate dalam dunia ni, muka aku jumpa tanah jua akhirnya.

2010-10-25T22:55:00.000-07:00

For those yang kenal aku, of course akan kenal sekali sifat aku yang sangat bermusuhan dengan calculator. Maksudnya aku tak suka maths lah. Aku berjaya fail untuk kesemua subjek maths dari aku Primary Year 4, just excluding exams besar macam UPSR, PMR dan SPM.

I embraced my University life with all my might because I thought that perkara yang aku bencikan dah lupus dari hidup aku bila aku dah habis SPM, tapi tidak. Life never had been such a bitch as this.

First Semester, Business Maths buat aku tak senang duduk. On-going marks aku lowest in class, tapi I managed to scrape a C for the overall subject.

Second semester, Cost Accounting buat aku tak senang duduk. This time, on-going marks fail. Finally dapat C jugak.

Third semester, it was worse. Macroeconomics and Statistics haunted me. And so was this fucking stalker. Dapat C jugak. Memang anak Mohd Kassim sentiasa lucky, I guess.

Fourth Semester, Finance pulakkk. On-going marks lebih teruk dari teruk. Time tengah jawab final exam Finance ni, aku dah bersedia untuk re-sit paper ni next sem. Aku sangat terkejut beruk bila aku mendapati bahawa aku dapat B- untuk paper ni. Thank you lah lecturer!

And this semester, I seated Operations Management paper yang aku rasa akan menghantui hidup aku sehingga aku dah ada anak cucu sekalipun. On-going marks normal lah, one of the lowest in class. And by taking into account the fact that I totally am hated by the lecturer as this semester merupakan semester migraine aku, there is no reason that my lecturer would consider to let me pass this paper. Operations Management is the shitzle- the- dizzle right there. Wtf.

My Logistics lecturer once said that passion is an unimportant element when it comes to studying. “Just study and get the best results out of it!” he said.
Mungkin lain orang lain cara bukan?

For me, studying is like marrying someone. And if you force yourself into studying a subject that you hated most, it is parallel to marrying someone that you despised for your entire existence. Ew. Tak nak aku.

Tapi nak buat macamana?? How arduous it is to make my grey matter up in my brain here to work out and be friends with complicated numbers and super-complicated formulas, I just have to fucking do it, no matter what, right? Haiyoh. All of this strain for a better CGPA pointer. Tulah siapa suruh salah pilih course in the first place, bodoh.

I don’t point fingers at anyone else for my flaws except to myself. How can I not???

My Mum gave birth and provided her undivided attention and love to me. My Dad, as far away now as he is, is always a responsible man at heart. And also is constantly trying to furnish me with comfort and security. My Step Mum, who was and is always there for my Dad, taking care of him as I am not able to.

My Brothers and my Boyfriend, forever protecting me and fostering alliance whenever my safety and misdemeanor is in concern.

My friends, who at all times trying to help for my brain to at least be acquaintances with those scary formulas and also, I have to thank my lecturers, who tolerated my disgusted expression every time I touch a calculator.

Yep, the fault is no one’s but fucking mine.

My Life is Full of Hatred and Wrath, And Thanks To You, It's Getting Worse.

2009-12-24T02:09:00.001-08:00

For certain people, vengeance is sweet.

And so is sarcasm.

But why is it to me that vengeance is bitter? And gets more bitter every time you try to strengthen it in you.
And, sarcasm is worthless, even childish.

But that's just the way they are.
And I can't change nothing about it.

And yeah, guess what?
I've just figured that those people are just too out of my league.

I really hope my hero up here will enter your room one night while you are asleep and thrusts that chainsaw right up your ass, so that you will sleep better and much longer.
Aww, don't thank me for this,alright? It really is my pleasure.

Emerging Weariness.

2009-12-10T08:50:00.000-08:00

Please spare me the exhaustion of explaining myself again.
I think you acted like that and said those words because you don't know the real alarming situation.
I threw my pride and shame outside the window.
Although what I did that caused me to do this is far from my own benefit.
Oh yeah.I almost forgot.

"If someone is your friend, don't register the bad things about him/her.
You'll be the one who would suffer loss."

That'll explain why ignorance is always bliss.

What Grown-Ups Really Fear.

2009-12-10T00:20:00.000-08:00

I have a small sized teddy called 'che che' and I love him to death.
I assume that 'che che' is a he because I can't wait to sleep with a man.
Just kidding.
I take him wherever I go except to the toilet because that way he'll be forever uncontaminated.
My mum once said,
"Don't love your 'che che' so much.
Don't talk to him like he can talk back.
And don't treat him like he's human.
Or else..."

I know what "else" meant.
It meant
"Kalau tak nanti malam malam 'che che' bangun time adik dah tutup lampu untuk tidur pastu bercakap dengan adik baru tahu."

I don't know why children or even grown-ups are so frightened of talking teddy bears.
I would love to get one for myself.
They're awesomely cool!
Plus they're adorable and I bet they're more knowledgeable than we are.
They can be your late-night chit-chat friend whom you could talk to about almost anything.
The weather, Malaysia's political instability or even sex.

p.s : And I don't think they're interested in fucking you while you lay on your bed as they themselves don't know their own gender.

The Funny Future

2009-05-18T13:55:00.000-07:00

How does the future look like to you? Do you want to know how I see the future? I see it a little bit funnily, if you know what I mean.

The future’s not funny, no. It’s just the way I look at it that’s funny.

For me, stuff like marriage, career prospects, parents’ expectations, etc., made the present and future more obscure and vague. There’s no certainty or guarantee of living life. There are just risks.

That is why I see that the future indeed has a sense of humour. It’s THRILLING.

You evaluate your alternatives; you take your risk by making a decision, and before you know it, you’re somebody’s wife.

Anyways, what’s the point of living life if you only draw a line between you and the world outside?

You’ll only make yourself a safe person. Drawing a line will not make you feel more certain about yourself but it will definitely make you more insecure.

So take your chances and live life the way you wanted.
Because…

I Love Evenings.

2009-05-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

I Love Evenings.

Especially at 6 p.m., when it’s not raining.

The Evening Sun,

The Evening Sky,

The Evening Warmth,

The Evening Food,

The Evening Drinks,

The Evening Talks,

The Evening Laughter,

The Evening Walks,

The Evening Workouts,

The Evening Outfits,

The Evening Gowns,

The Evening Phone-Calls,

The Evening Bath,

The Evening Nap,

The Evening Reading,

The Evening Travelling,

The Evening Rest,

The Evening Kiss,

The Evening Sex.

I Just Love Evenings.

I Fought. I Died. But I am Still Wounded

2009-05-13T11:50:00.000-07:00

Do you think life is all about living in leisure?

You'd be surprised that there's no time even to seek pleasure.

When you finally discover in this life exactly what to treasure,

Is when you eventually know that love can be measured.

When one day you'll realize war is a part of my life,

You'll see that it's also full of grief, misery and strife.

That's why he will have to really commit and strive,

Because he knows how reluctant you are to make me become a man's wife.

For your family, her tears were shed,

I didn't understand in the first place why you two even wed.

I thought for all this while, at least I could be led,

But now I gathered that you can only give me wrath and dread.

You may now see that I am carried away,

You always say that I look like a thousand blues on a Monday.

But you don't even know where your loyalties lay,

Oh my, haven't you noticed that you're the one's in disarray?

Every discrepancy made me bleed inside because of the lesion,

You shredded my skin and you left me to die from the abrasion.

My heart was stabbed numerously beyond comprehension,

Why, Oh, Why! Do you put me in this position?

I hated you every time you make me feel so down,

I hated you more when you treated me like a clown.

My sins towards you can be a mound,

But I didn't care, as long as I stood my ground.

All I wanted to do was to escape from your nest,

And I won't let you kill me slowly like you did to the rest.

I know you disliked having me, my attitude even less,

But hey, it's not my fault that you produced a retaliating pest!

(Nadheera Kassim, 2009)